Posted by Dr Rajesh Venugopal
1. The Tories Ambushed the Lib Dems: The Tories cleverly lured the Lib Dems into a trap, offering them everything on paper, but little in practice. In reality, Clegg and Cable control nothing, and remain under the thumb of Cameron and Osborne respectively. Worse, the Tory offer on electoral reform (a referendum) is a trick designed to fail. Clegg cravenly sacrified his ideals, betrayed his followers, and bartered away electoral reform for an illusion of power. Just remember - the last deputy PM was John Prescott - and what was he in charge of (except punching voters)? Gotcha!
2. The Lib Dems Ambushed the Tories: This was a very Lib Dem coup. With just one-sixth of the Tory strength in parliament, the Lib Dems have gained disproportionate influence on government, cheating the Tories of their long-deserved victory and emasculating their agenda. The first Tory PM for 13 years is now hamstrung by a cabinet full of Europhiles and socialists. City bankers who paid for Osborne, but got saddled with Cable will think again before unburdening their wallets. The Lib Dems, who are now set to obstruct plans to cut spending or curb immigration, might, if not kept under close watch, get ambitious and replace ‘God Save the Queen’ with Dąbrowski's Mazurka.
3. David Cameron Ambushed the Tories: David Cameron’s unseemly haste to compromise and share power with Nick Clegg reveals his hidden agenda to gut the nasty party of its carnivorous core, and to turn it into a kinder, cuddlier, less ideological, and more herbivorous creature. As the hoodie-hugging, self-styled 'compassionate Conservative', he has always been viewed with suspicion by the retired Colonels in the shires, many of whom were alarmed during the first debate when he admitted that he had spoken with a black man (in Plymouth!). He will doubtless use the Lib Dems as an excuse to marginalise Thatcherite holdouts and justify a centrist path. Watch the letters column of the Daily Mail and Telegraph in the coming month for more details.
4. Labour Pushed the Lib Dems into Cameron’s arms: The Tory-Lib Dem alliance is a sly Labour plot to get the other two parties to fix the financial crisis, take the tough decisions, and absorb the public anger, while they sit back and watch (making pious platitudes about protecting the poor). As the Lib Dem deal team will tell you, Labour was just not interested in negotiating, and Labour outriders such as Reid and Blunkett talked down the deal as negotiations were in progress. Labour grandees, led by the Prince of Darkness, have calculated that the coalition will turn dysfunctional within a couple of years (Cable will be the first to buckle), and that their own party, reinvigorated with new leadership, would stand poised to recapture power after the Clegg-Cameron coalition collapses amid vicious bickering and plunging polls.
5. The Scots Ambushed the English: Cameron is the third successive prime minister that the Scots have imposed on the English. Tony Blair was born in Edinburgh to Scottish parents. Gordon Brown openly admits to being a Scot. And despite the fact that his name is a give-away, many have missed the fact that David Cameron himself is also of recent Scottish ancestry – his father is from Aberdeen. Scotland has just 8% of the UK’s population, but has mysteriously managed to stitch up the prime ministerial selection since 1997. Is it any mystery that the West Lothian question festers on?
6. Women Ambushed Men: The real power behind the Clegg-Cameron deal is the female vote. Media stereotypes and the X factor in politics have promoted inflated expectations among women voters of what male public figures should look and sound like. Can there be any doubt that it was the female vote that brought these two young, articulate, under-weight and telegenic men to power, rejecting the less telegenic Gordon Brown, Neil Farage or Nick Griffin? Most men groaned in disbelief when they saw the images of the Clegg-Cameron joint press conference on Wednesday, and found that it promoted a demeaning, unattainable and unhealthy ideal of masculinity, with attendant consequences for self-esteem and future political aspirations. David Miliband's soaring candidacy provides depressing evidence that Labour has also succumbed to this pressure of competing for the female vote in what is becoming the 'hunk' parliament.
